When Me And My Two Younger Brothers Watched The Piano Teacher

The Piano Teacher (2001) chronicles the psychological, emotional, and sexual pathologies of a lonely pianist whose obsession with her pupil turns from bad to worse. Known for transgressing boundaries and his ambivalence towards the audience, director Michael Haneke has evoked the following reactions from this writer and more notably his two younger siblings (pictured above), whose sensibilities in film are predominantly mainstream and conventional.

1. Sniffing semen in porn booth

This woman must be really lonely; at my worst, if there was no internet, I’d imagine myself venturing into porn booths to watch porn, but never imagine actually masturbating because it would be too disgusting: semen on the floor, its distinct smell, the faint rumble of other men jerking off in adjacent booths, etc. The irony with porn booths is that it’s a very asexual place, completely non-arousing and somewhat clinical. That this lady leafed through the trash to find and smell some random man’s cum was like (paraphrased from sibling no. 2) “damn lady, you got issues,” which was sort of what I thought the entire film. It’s odd how she used gloves, like she thought it was gross too, or maybe she didn’t want to leave her fingerprints.

Colloquial reaction from sibling no. 2: “Damn.”

2. Cutting genitalia in bathroom

This woman lives with her overbearing mother and is quickly approaching full-on spinsterhood, if not already. In one bathroom scene we were all probably guessing she’s going to brush her teeth, then all of a sudden she takes out a razor and sits on the edge of the bathtub. At this point sibling no. 1 says “okay, so she’s going to shave her pubic hair”; but that would be underestimating mister Haneke, oh dear brother. In two subtle seconds, one notices a line of blood running down from between her legs and realizes that she is mutilating her genitalia. She lets out a vague whimper that could be both pain or ecstasy. This goes beyond empathizing with the main character. Our collective groins quiver with unease at the thought of a sliced up labia.

Colloquial reaction from sibling no. 1: “Holy shit.”

3. Disaffectionate handjob

The piano teacher’s pupil is a handsome Anglo-European with a dashing smile. (He’s a talented interpreter of Schumann and Schubert, and falls in love with her talent.) She, either as a manipulative ploy, or because she doesn’t feel like she deserves the mutual satiation of regular intercourse, will only reciprocate his sexual advances in a public restroom with a handjob. It’s a rather logistical moment, subject to more interpersonal negotiation and bickering than wanking. Needless to say, our pianist enthusiast here has difficultly keeping the blood flowing. Regardless of this lady’s jacked-(pun intended)-up-ness, I was a little aroused.

Colloquial reaction from myself: “Nice.”

4. Dry raping own mother

The (lack of a better word) “relationship” between the piano teacher and her pupil went south after she disclosed intimate parameters under which he was to operate, namely, to tie her up like a hog, slap and punch her, sit on her face, and force her tongue in his anus (among other things). He says she disgusts him and leaves. That night, confused, desperate, and lonely, the piano teacher (who shares a bed with her mother) sort of “dry rapes” (à la dry humping) her mother. The mother is like (in French; this movie is subtitled) “what the fuck is your problem,” a rhetorical question that is only answered by a hollow cry emitted with an intensity that filled the dark room. I was moved, my brothers were annoyed and confused.

Colloquial reaction from sibling no. 2:“Bitch, relax.”

5. Face fucked vomit

By now things are really messed up between the piano teacher and her pupil. She follows him uninvited to his hockey practice (yep, many talents, a proper renaissance man) and tries to suck him off in the locker room. He, having ambivalently acclimated to her desire to be humiliated, ends up “face fucking” her. (In regular fellatio, the woman, arguably empowered, controls the thrusting momentum; with face fucking, she resigns the volition over to the man, whose agendas are selfish.) This is abruptly stopped short when she barfs up some crepes or something (the film doesn’t get into her diet). I was a bit angry with the pupil for not working with her gag-reflex with a little more sensitivity.

Colloquial reaction from sibling no. 1: “Bruv.”

6. Kicked in the face

Now we’re near the end, and the pizza in my stomach is getting nauseous. In a last ditch attempt to win over her man, she barricades herself inside her room with him using her dresser. The mom is outside banging on the door and nagging away. The unhealthy couple get into another argument over the tiresome logistics of her requested abuse, and he loses it, slapping her in face. As a final exclamation point, he kicks her in the face. Her mouth is bloody and she brings her nightgown to her face, which is eerily reminiscent of the earlier semen sniffing scene. She is emotionally devastated. The moral of the story is that our fantasies, when finally manifested, are unlikely to instill feelings once believed to do so.

Colloquial reaction from sibling no. 2:“My gawd.”

7. Self-loathing stab

The film culminates at a recital where the piano teacher was to replace a student whose hands were sabotaged by the former out of jealously. Her love interest, having quickly moved on seamlessly to another younger and prettier woman, barely acknowledges our tormented heroine as he passes with an assured gait and dismissive cruelty. In one slow beautiful take, the camera lays still on the actress’s (Isabelle Huppert) face as it contorts from love, to resentment, to anger; and finally, to a searing sadness that hits this writer low in the stomach as she quickly, with the same deft hand meant to frolic at the high notes, stabs herself in the chest. A dollop of blood eases from within her blouse, like a dark flower that only blooms at night. This film, all three of us agree, is so fucked.

Colloquial reaction from all three of us:“What the fuck!”